Fuck Ups: Emergency

The year my friend, Y, swore off men was long. Very long. So long that it accidentally became fifteen months.

Her first fishing trip back in the big sea of dating, she found herself set up with a friend of a friend. He was Dominican, sang in a band, felt no qualms about taking her into his bedroom for two hours of making out and abandoning their friends in the living room. All attractive qualities.

But his moves pretty much ended there, and Y was left feeling... not much.

Y, however, being an intrepid young dater, feeling rejuvenated after her love-sabbatical, did not give up. One lucky Saturday, she found yet another friend of a friend to hook on her line.

He was an Air Force Reservist with shoulders she couldn't wait to dig her fingernails into. So she did, and that was that.

Left with fine memories and a little skin under her fingernails, Y went home expecting nothing more from her one night stand. By the next night, however, Y had received numerous texts of "High five!" and "Get-it, get-it girl!" from her friends. Apparently the Air Force only teaches homosexuals not to tell.

Y kept her head up high, however, and made little grins of satisfaction whenever she thought no one was looking. One night, while on duty for work, she received an emergency page. When she dialed the number and asked, "How can I help?" the Air Force Reservist confusedly said, "Who is this?"

Y's boss had (ever-so-kindly) paged her one night stand's number to her emergency work pager. By doing her job and responding to the page, she came out looking like a cling-on. I said, "Remind your boss that you only like abuses of power in the bedroom," but I'm pretty sure she didn't tell him in those exact words.

One Wet Sentence

The other day while enjoying sushi with a dear friend and Samuel Fuckett staff writer, she mentioned that she and another friend had been perusing the singles pages on craigslist. She described to me how half of the ads they read contained one lewd sentence and then at the bottom: "If that got you wet, send me an email."

My friend was upset. "How is one sentence going to get me wet? I need more than that!"

I thought for a second, and agreed. When it comes to a craigslist ad I need more than one sentence to get me wet. Things like "want 2 suck ur dick" might be intriuging, but certainly not pant ruining. When I thought about it more, I then realized that there was a single sentence that could get me wet. It isn't particularily lewd, but if I were to stumble upon a craigslist ad that read:

"His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead.

The Dead by James Joyce"

I would email that person right away to tell them that their ad required me to mop my chair.

So, dear readership (if you are out there), what one sentence, literary or pornographic (or both), gets you wet?