Polidicks: The Next 95 Days

So, look, it's not that cool to actually engage in political advocacy. Because, you know, opinions are so passe. But here at Samuel Fuckett, we're going to risk a slide down the hipster scale to say some things that matter between our public displays of apathy. Turns out the youth give a shit after all.

First, we assume you know the news. On your way to this blog, you definitely read a reputable news source. Or at least you saw the headlines on someone else's newspaper while you tried not to spill your coffee on this morning's commute. Comprehension and retention being totally different things during your Fuckett years, however, we'd like to offer some selected notes about what's at stake for the 18-35 set this election season:

International Relations(hips)-- Since we all pubesced along with the internet, we don't let silly things like geography keep us from getting down. But it is so hard to have Skype sex when your significant other abroad can't stop talking about what an embarrassment your country is to the world...

London Boy: Then Romney's team used the phrase 'Anglo-Saxon heritage' like it's Romney for President 1912, and--

NYC Girl: So you haven't noticed that I'm sitting here topless, or you just don't fucking care?

Jobs (Or Not)-- Our generation has been nicknamed a lot of nasty things like "Generation Me", but this summer we can add a new epithet to our odyssey: "Generation Screwed."

"The unemployment rate for people between 18 and 29 is 12 percent in the U.S., nearly 50 percent above the national average." The Daily Beast

Romney and Obama are both keyed into this issue. One way Obama has addressed it is by funding 47 job retraining programs. Romney's plan, as stated on his website, is to shut them all down because the States can do it with less bureaucratic dead weight loss. I'm sure that will put food on the table of all those teachers and administrators while they are laid off, waiting for the bumbling and nearly bankrupt state governments to apply for federal funding, receive it, and use it to implement new programs for which the laid-off may or may not be rehired in order to help other people get jobs, too.

Now, I went to a public high school, but I seem to remember learning that Republicans, in general, prioritize efficiency over equity while Democrats, in general, prioritize equity over efficiency. Theoretically, neither system is better or worse. But if scrapping every federal project because the states are also capable of administering it is the Republican idea of efficiency, it's going to lead to a whole lot of impotency.

Electricity (for our iWhatsis)-- Now, this has been a greatly overlooked issue. When we think about energy, we normally think about tax incentives for hybrid cars, how on family vacations our children are going to be swimming in ninety-degree ocean water along with hairless polar bears who adapted webbed toes after ice stopped being a natural phenomenon, that kind of thing. What we don't think about is how basic electrical utilities are probably the most important thing to our way of life second only to clean water utilities. If we want to be able to continue faffing around on the internet all day, we need the grid. As TIME Magazine points out:

"Nobody notices infrastructure investments when they work, but that’s the point of infrastructure—and power."

While Romney's energy policy lists, "Amend Clean Air Act to exclude carbon dioxide from its purview," as a specific goal, the Obama camp has been thinking a little harder. I recently learned about Obama's $100 billion plan for a technologically up-to-date power grid, which was surprising and enlightening. I cannot think of anything the federal government should prioritize higher than upgrading basic infrastructure, especially when it is the kind of improvement that will allow us to put all this "green innovation" crap into effect before the carbon dioxide emissions Romney would like to permit result in our demise.


Equality (and Civility)-- Romney does not address the needs of women in the Issues portion of his website; Obama does. That's really all I have to say about that. Except for this little game-- One of these things is not like the others:

• Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders for Romney
• Catholics for Romney
• Jewish Americans for Romney
• Juntos con Romney
• Lawyers for Romney
• Polish Americans for Romney
• Veterans and Military Families for Romney
• Women for Mitt
• Young Americans for Romney

It really pisses me off that everybody is for Romney except the girls. The girls, they aren't really serious people, so let's make them for Mitt, don't you think? Well, fuck that.

Mitt Romney is so offended by queer love, happiness, and joint tax returns that he plans to sponsor a so-called Federal Marriage Amendment to the Constitution. What a despicable moron. You don't have to do anything extra to disenfranchise the gays, Mitt. Plus, the administration of marriage licenses falls to the states. Are you trying to amend the Constitution to give yourself leeway to infringe upon the states' rights? Don't tread on me.

In a section of his website contained under the issue of "Values," Romney addresses abortion, stem cell research, and marriage. What I gathered from reading this is that Mitt Romney "values" systematic oppression of the following groups: women (in America and abroad... especially China, which is pretty much the Abortionator), scientists (and the businesses who employ them), the ill, the disabled, and the LGBTQAI community. Obama, on the other hand, does not list "Values" as an issue on his website. This clearly means he has none, thank God.


Defense (or Offense)-- Unfortunately, Romney is a bellicose fool and Obama is a secret warmonger, so either way more of our enlisted friends and family are probably going to serve in active combat in the next four years whether the public thinks it's worth it or not. Romney makes a case for pumping more money into the military with some gems like these:

"The U.S. Navy has only 284 ships today, the lowest level since 1916."

"Our Air Force, which had 82 fighter squadrons at the end of the Cold War, has been reduced to 39 today." 

"In the years since 2000, the Pentagon’s civilian staff grew by 20 percent while our active duty fighting force grew by only 3.4 percent." 

Romney is apparently unaware of the following: A submarine armed with nuclear warheads is more powerful than a Woodrow Wilson era battleship. The Cold War was a cold war; we were in a spending race masked as an arms race, so when we reached our goal of bankrupting the Soviets, we got to stop nearly bankrupting ourselves. In the years since 2000, the Pentagon got down with the Internet; it resulted in a redistribution of labor.

At least Obama has proven that he can command the military in such a way as to achieve his stated objectives while making strides to reduce the defense budget. Ugh. Polidicks make me sick. I don't even care anymore.